Update: Made a new friend this week! She's sassy and hilarious and smart. We have so much in common, it's almost freaky. So apparently, they're out there!

Hi Shea, loved your story! 

That "strong core group of friends", yeah, I know exactly what you are talking about. We were young and crazy and carefree and it was awesome! And then life happened and our roads parted - it's what still amazes me, that after everything we've been through together it takes a husband, a new job or a relocation and you barely see each other again. After a while you realize that our lives have gone into different directions, that our dreams and goals, our interests and even our taste in music don't match any more. We all have obligations and less time, but it makes you wonder when time spent with your friends come last in line.

And then there are those who stick with you (and you with them) no matter what. Those that match your list of attributes :) They aren't many, but they are a treasure. In my experience, it's when you go through life-changing experiences with your friend, good or bad, that makes this friendship stick like cemented. I am lucky to have two such friends, sisters, as you rightly say. But I also find myself lucky when manage to meet-up with my crazy sisters from the past once in a while, although we might not be on the same "track" any more, it is a joy to have them in my life.

New ones? Yes, please - wouldn't want to miss someone I'd have so much in common that it's almost freaky :)

Thanks for sharing, Shea, and sorry for my rambling!

Don't be sorry, Lara -- I'm so glad you were interested in what I wrote and that it spoke to you. :) I definitely think it is worthwhile to keep looking. I've been having such fun with three new girlfriends who I didn't even know a year ago! It really matters to have standards for friends that are as high as we would have for a boyfriend/girlfriend. That way, you steer clear of emotional drain and continue to form a circle of support that makes your life better, not worse. So important!

I have plans with two new friends this week! It's so nice to find people with whom I have much in common. I'm looking forward to gown-shopping for the Life Listers' Ball, getting our nails done, going out for margaritas. It's terrific to get to know new and interesting women. Who knows -- based on what one does for fun, maybe I'll have horseback riding on my list soon! She makes it sound wild and appealing. I'm always up for adventure and it's new people who introduce those opportunities. So we'll see. I do already have red cowboy boots!

AWESOME!  I should add this to my list.  I'm in this too...  maybe it's a common place for mid-lifer mommies?  Anyway, I've had to pull away from a couple for various reasons and then I recently got burned on another three friends simultaneously.  It sucks because you think, "well, the common denominator is me so there must be something wrong with me."  Lucky for me I have my husband and children to keep me busy. 

My husband also longs for male companionship in the same way.  I think we are just both hoping that we will find these friends as our children grow up.  It seems to be the way our parents met and maintained their friendships.  It will make it easier too...  if your friends' kids are in the same activities you will be seeing them at the same events.

Also unfortuantely for me, my attribute list may be too long - dare I say too picky.  Oh well...  maybe someday.  In the meantime, I look forward to hearing about your progression with your new girlfriends!!!

Had the most hilarious time shopping with my friend Saturday. Yes, we so should have been shopping for Christmas. Instead we were trying on everything we could find in Macy's. We laughed harder than I have in ages. I appreciate the strength of this woman, she's going through a few challenges of her own right now and yet she finds the funny and minimizes the drama without making light of her confusion or hurt. She's real, which is the highest compliment I can give.

Shelagh,

I really dig what you're saying here.  I grew up in Toronto and always barked at sayings like 'blood runs thicker then water' because I think it's a load of BS because it makes so many assumptions about those relationships.  Don't get me wrong, I do have a particularly strong love for family but I also believe in something that i've always called 'my tribe.'  It's nothing original --of that much im sure-- but its the group of people that I've chosen to surround myself with and in turn they have also chosen.  I've never walked around talking about 'my tribe' as I realize it's a little ridiculous to do so and almost humiliating but in effect, I surely think of these people that way.  When I moved to Scotland I went through something larger then culture shock, it was almost like withdrawl from being used to this amazing group of people that included family and friends. 

From that point, I've found it really difficult to throw myself into situations that involve 'making friends' because of the fact that I feel the group of people in Toronto are so irreplaceable.  They will remain that way I'm sure but I wish I knew how to open myself to new friendships so that I am not longing for home so deerly.  It's like i'm in this space deciding on what is temporary and what is not and yet I know that isn't the way to go about life, especially when trying to live one with no regrets.

I guess what I'm trying to say with some justification (necessary or not) is that I admire this ability you have to put yourself out there in some meaningful way to get to know somebody.  Thats a special quiet kind of courage.

-CM

Thanks, CM. I love the "Tribe" concept. Friends are the family you choose. And once you've had a great group of friends, it's hard to believe it could ever be that awesome again. Meeting engaging people is difficult to begin with because I think a lot of people live on auto-pilot. It gets even harder as you get older, social situations become so work-based, and for me, working at a startup has been a little isolating. So every time I'm out, I try to have at least one meaningfut conversation -- to learn one important thing about a person I'm talking to. If they have a fairly thoughtful answer, I give it a shot. Building a support network abroad is so important; you need people to share all those amazing adventures with! So keep trying. I hope you have great plans for ringing in the New Year!

 Ok...now THIS is a great post.  The part where you said "...(women) who shared the details of what made them want to smother their husbands with their pillow in the middle of the night"  was so laugh-out-loud funny that I almost choked on my wine.  Great girlfriends are out there, it's just finding the time to connect with them.  We've become so caught up in our daily routines and rushed in life that sometimes it seems that we're just surviving instead of truly living.  Glad to know that you've stumbled on some wonderful women and are having a blast with them!

Thank you, Sassy! This goal is striking a chord with so many people -- it's easily the goal I've had the most feedback on and it has also been the basis for many conversations about the state of friendship overall. Despite being on the grid all the time, we are still so lonely and out of balance. Since I've made making new friends a priority, I feel less so, and that's a relief. My world is expanding with new perspectives and fun opportunities. Hopefully everyone who is feeling alone can spend some good times with real friends this year. Thanks for your encouragement!

As a single mom, I completely agree with WorkingMama about midlife Mommies!  I feel

satisfied that I have a core group of 3 women that would do absolutely anthing for me.  We've been friends for at least 10 years.  However, they live in different parts of the country!  But when I need to talk, or laugh, they are just a phone call away.  And I try to see them all at least once a year.

Now, as far as knowing someone in this city that I could call up to go to dinner with, that's a totally different story.  There are a couple of women I would hang out with, but I don't know if I could classify them as "friends."

So do you think most women are looking for a deep meaningful relationship whether near or far, or do you think they want someone in the same city to do things with? 

I don't know, that's a good question. For me, I want people to rally with. I want someone to come with me and try on jeans and tell me which ones aren't horrible and which ones make me look tall, thin and awesome. I want someone to meet for coffee and get fired up about the State of the Union and the state of my gym schedule. I want to go to yoga with someone ... because god knows going by myself isn't working. :) 

I have friends I'll always treasure and phone calls and visits once a year are good. But I think that also increases my tendency to look back over my shoulder at the "good times" when we were all together -- and that keeps me from building in the moment. So I've committed to reaching out and making a community for myself here, with new laughs and catchphrases, without alienating or deleting anyone who has been with me all along. The new and local have potential to be as powerful an influence as the far-flung, right? There's room for both, and I want both. What does everyone else think?

 I like this one.  I might make it a goal but for me I have been doing something similar.  I realized last year while I was planning my wedding and had an excuse for regularly hanging out with my girlfriends how much happier I am when I have strong women around me.  We lost frequent contact after college ended, I got a job where I moved every three months, etc.
I am currently working on trying to make more time for them too now that I'm staying in one place for awhile.  But it seems so difficult now that I don't have a "reason" to hang out.  I hope we can find a way to get together more now that the wedding is over.

Weddings are a great way to reconnect and I think it's a worthy goal to make time for them. Resist the urge to only spend time with your husband. :) Now you get to make a reason! Maybe set a monthly dinner date at a restaurant or rotate from home to home. I am planning to do fondue parties, wine tastings -- something different all the time. Even if you have to work a little harder to make it happen, it will be worth it when it becomes an expectation to spend time together rather than a nice surprise.

 I think most of us are happier when we're among engaging people that we share history and commonalities with. I know I am having so much fun again.

Shelagh, I'm just catching onto your post now.  Absolutely courageous.  I believe we spoke recently about how we evolve through the use of this site and share in steps. Happy to read here that you're having so much fun again with your circle of newfound friends.  I've always believed in the power of association and teach the concept to my children sometimes without thinking of the significance of the lesson.  But the lesson still applies in adulthood.  Who we choose to associate with on a daily basis affects our environment, our attitude and how we experience our lives.  Associate with positive people... we automatically, become more positive and that attitude affects everything around us.  I love that you've put so much thought into what it takes to be a good friend to you and that you know the value of your own gift of friendship.  As you mentioned, our friends really are the family we choose.  I feel so fortunate for the friendships I've kept over the years and through the chapters of my life.  Many of them are far off, but because of the strength of those bonds, when we do get together physically, it's like no time has passed at all.  

So many of the moms I know mention that they feel extremely isolated even though they are never really alone and they long for time of their own to spend with their friends or pursue their own interests.  I also know many who are even taking antidepressants to combat those feelings of lonliness and hopelessness.  Your remedy sounds so much healthier.  Others even rely on their social netwoking to keep them company. (Maybe I'm a little guilty of this too)  It's awesome that you're taking such proactive steps to spend time with your friends and rotate the fondue parties and wine tastings.   'Tasting Parties' are a big trend up here too. Basically, eveyone brings hor d'oeuvres to share and some wine.   Fun for couples to get together too.  Thanks so much for sharing this.  I love how engaged everyone is.